For all my life, i feel like I was trapped into a body that doesn’t belong to me, to my soul. My soul was screaming all over, nobody could hear… Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it is to feel u re choking but never able to find the reason. You always feel guilty for being different. You are always ashamed of your thoughts. You want to be one of them, which you strongly disagree, them people who always seem happy and smiling. You think, if you just for a minute could be like them, would have the relief of your life. Your mind, which is carrying the burden of actively thinking, would be free forever.
Was that even possible to be happy just with having things? It wasn’t to me… But i wish, then everything would be so easier. If that was possible, why don’t people stop having? It’s all temporary pleasures which has no end. You always aim another aim. Till you make something belonging to you but also out of your control, that you can reach your dreams through it and when they couldn’t manage, you won’t be responsible, there will always be someone to blame and you will never stay alone. What is it more than a mutual relationship? Sometimes they even expect more than they give…Till you have your own blood, your children…When you have them, you stop worrying about you, your world has a meaning now, you give the answer to all the questions in your mind, you find the reason of your being...
So selfish…The basics of being a human, saving yourself first. Nowadays the reasons are changing though, people have two different commitments, either to the family or work, some of them to both. Lucky bastards! Dedicate your hours to “not living”! Someone said before; “we don’t know how to live”.
I am resisting not to choose the easy one, still struggling with my thoughts, which I won’t give up for a while, hopefully till i die. But sometimes ask to myself, if that people are happy and if we get here to find happiness, why am i forcing myself not to be like that? I try, i try… The thing is this is not something that you can get by trying, you should feel like that, think like that. That battle was already lost for me, i was cursed.
I was sick of that feeling, being a stranger to my own specie, not belonging to my society. I tried to leave my place, having the hope that there was another world outside… Different places, different people, the feeling has remained.
Acknowledging was better than rebelling, which gave little bit peace to my soul. I let myself be like i am, accepting that I will stay like that forever, but also getting wiser enough not to get angry to people around me for the way they are. It’s not their fault if they are not like me, it’s not my fault if i am not like them. We’re allies, not enemies, born to find the happiness without a user’s guide, trying to find the best one for each of us. And there is one truth; you cannot cheat on that way, you have to write your own’s. No one will be helping you, you will fail anyway if you think you can have the same with someone else's, it wouldn't fit you!
Good luck to all of us, for the most difficult survival fact; knowing how to live.
